my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
