I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
