I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
worst night to have a conscience
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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