I haven't been this sober since birth.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
