i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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