my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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