I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
