Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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