The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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