totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There's always time for handjobs
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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