oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Who died my cat blue again?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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