i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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