i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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