you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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