I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
