I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
