remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
