If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
