I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
