I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
