you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize