She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Ketchup is God's man juice
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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