my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
