my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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