My underwear smells like fireworks.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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