i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
