It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
