4 words: hood of his car
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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