Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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