My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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