I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
