Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
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