What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
