You don't have asthma, your pregnant
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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