so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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