The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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