sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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