Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
