You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
