I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
