If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
