dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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