i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
