I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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