Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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