She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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