I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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