Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
