i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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