i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
