omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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