yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize