I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
