I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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