seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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