You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
