we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
