you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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