Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
