new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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