you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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