My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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