She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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