After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize