Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
