I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
the condom got lost in my hair
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
He passed out mid-signature
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
