I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
