i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
cat food counts as protein by the way
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
