since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
