Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
