It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
