remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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