it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
