my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize